He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Randomize
