no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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