I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
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