I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
