I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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