matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
What happened to fro yo and sex?
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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