Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
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