remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
