Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
