I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
