you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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