Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
