I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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