you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
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