so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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