I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Randomize
