My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I fill condoms, not promises.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
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