I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Randomize
