We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Randomize
