Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
