i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
