woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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