all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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