FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize
