all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Randomize
