If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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