i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
