The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
