It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
organizing the empties. That sober.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
