The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
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