If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
Randomize
