Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Randomize
