i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
