If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
