you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
