you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Dear god my vagina.
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