I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
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