Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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