He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
