I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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