Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
where does the pee come out of this thing
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
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