I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
