so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
I currently don't understand fingers.
Randomize
