Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
