I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Randomize
