I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
