I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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