the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
How does one acquire holy water?
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
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