Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
He shit in the fireplace
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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