He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Randomize
