I'm drive I can fine osifer
Screwed.edu
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
